Brain in a Jar

I hate to think that this will be a war of attrition. There must be moves and shakes that I can do to speed this whole thing up instead of “staying the course.” Shouldn’t I be out there hustling for the next big break? Shouldn’t I be living in a van so I can have a Pitts in the hangar? Do I owe 2008 a royalty for using the term “staying the course”?

Following behind each compliment is a judgment. As soon as I hear a “good job” or a “nice writing” there is someone waiting in the wings. They are ready to pounce on everything that they think that I should have done and they are quick to ridicule for what they perceive as an opportunity lost.

With the last entry discussing how I chose not to pursue a different career and maintained my current, though adjusted profession, I have received a bit of flak from folks. With that in mind, here is the decision I had to make in plain terms.

Here is your opportunity.
You must sign on the dotted line.
We cannot guarantee you that you will do what you want to do.
If you are able to get to that objective, all will be good in your world.
You have no real control over the outcome of this.
You must first go through a battery of tests and a medical exam.
Before you do that, you MUST sign on the dotted line.
Should you fail the medical exam, you will still have a 6-year commitment doing what you do not want to do.
We cannot guarantee that you will pass this medical exam, especially with a right elbow that does not have the required amount of supination and flexion.
If you sign on the dotted line we will send you to training for 5 months. During these 5 months you will paid enough money to maintain your bills. At the conclusion of these 5 months you will not have a full time job. You will have to find another job to support yourself. You have exactly 30 days to find a job that will pay you enough money to support yourself before you have achieved complete and total financial ruin.
We cannot guarantee you anything.
Sign here.

In another lifetime I may have chosen to continue this. Who knows? Maybe the planets will align one day and I will find myself able to pursue it without risking that financial ruin thing (which is not hyperbole). I believe in taking risks but I also believe in being smart in the mitigation of those risks. As great as this could have been for me it could have been equally disastrous.

I have always sought out stories of people braver than I am that have put it all on the line for something they believed in. I have been hard on myself for not pursuing some of these options. Is it possible that my putting it all on the line action has been the refusal of these opportunities? Is that just a cozy rationalization? When does safety and comfort blind us from freedom and the pursuit of happiness? How much do those full body scanners really see anyway?